Dear DiscipleChurch Family and Friends:
Church-wide this Lent, in every worship service of the Church, we will be preaching and meditating on the Prayer of Saint Francis, line by line:
This Sunday, we will be preaching on the first lines: “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love;”
Now you may think that hating is not one of the faults that you need to examine and repent of this Lent.
But I confess that I am a hater.
Heretofore, I have tried to keep my hate hidden by calling it other names. “I don’t hate __________; I just really, really dislike it.” Or by surrounding myself by others who hate what and who I do, so it won’t seem so much as hate as good judgment and right thinking.
Or I have tried to use the religiously correct expression of saying that “I hate the sin, but not the sinner.”
But…I am called to be honest with myself and you during this Lenten season. So I must admit that I hate.
I hate kale.
I don’t care if you call it kale or borecole. I hate it.
And I hate people who eat it. I hate them whether they keep their kale eating to themselves or whether they eat kale openly. I hate them whether their kale eating is private or whether they try to introduce others to kale. I am sick of kale-eaters telling me that it is the world’s healthiest food. For the sake of my true and righteous hate, I refuse to listen to them, I refuse to eat kale, and I refuse to consider that it has any value. I hate kale. I am personally fulfilled by hating and opposing this great evil. In fact, my identity is bound up with my hating kale and hating those who eat it, grow it, process it, sell it, serve it or tolerate it. If I gave up hating kale, people wouldn’t know who I am. Neither would I.
Kale and kale eating are THE greatest threats to our nation and our entire way of life. You never hear of a founding father that grew or ate kale, do you? Kale eating is NOT protected in the United States Constitution, I don’t care what the kale-loving groups or their kale-tolerating fellow travelers claim about the so-called flexibility of that sacred document. The truth-loving, anti-kale, true-American organizations to which I belong, and whose websites and publications I read exclusively, have proof that kale has been and is still being brought into our country illegally—along with other mind-altering drugs. The kale-loving media have suppressed this proof. In another twenty years, we–the right thinking, kale-hating majority like you and me—KNOW that kale and kale growing will have taken over the majority of our farm land, to the exclusion of corn and wheat. And, unless we put a stop to it now, kale lovers will then constitute a majority of the eligible voters. When that happens, there go corn flakes and the American Way! Wake Up America!
I refuse to have any contact with people who eat kale. I won’t even be around people who tolerate kale-eaters. Eat and let eat is not our motto! No, sir. I won’t read or watch anything that makes excuses, or minimizes the risks, of kale eating. I watch only the news and programs of networks that are openly and consistently anti-kale. I make sure that everyone in every exclusive club to which I belong shares the same kale hate that I have. No dissent. No tolerance. No diversity. We have drawn the line in the sand, and we are ever vigilant.
Another truth that is suppressed by the kale-loving media is that people who like kale are genetically inferior. The kale-loving gene is linked to genes causing moral depravity and mental illness. If you see someone eating kale, you need to run the other way. There are even some promising studies that show that kale-loving is like an infection for which there is no anti-biotic.
We need more private schools that will not admit kale eaters and that will protect our vulnerable, impressionable children from their poisonous propaganda. And in public universities, people who eat kale, and their children, must be required to pay more tuition than children from good kale-hating families. In these publicly funded universities, we must not sanction organizations for kale lovers, and we must provide them with no meeting spaces on campus. And when kale lovers do meet off-campus, kale-haters who know the truth should picket them, take their photographs as they enter or leave, and spread those photos all over the internet.
Some people call us single issue voters, because we will only vote for registered, card-carrying Kale-Hating Party members. The “KHP.” (You know what isn’t served at our Party? Kale, that’s what! But, boy, it’s all we talk about!) There is no issue nearly so vital to the present and future of our beloved country than stemming the rising Kale tide.
So you must see how much is at stake here. If we see a newspaper or a magazine that advertises or publishes recipes for kale, we need to boycott them. If we see a poster giving notice of a meeting or activity of a kale eating organization (or their fellow travelers the cauliflower-lovers), we should deface the poster or tear it down.
We certainly should never attend a church which welcomes kale-eaters, and whose preacher excuses kale eating, or asks us to try to value the humanity of kale-eaters or to understand why they have come to be that way, a church that proclaims that the enemy we must love includes a kale-eater, or that we are called to come to the aid of a kale-eater who is sick or naked or in prison or hungry or homeless. There is no mention of kale in Matthew 25!
I love this hate. I pledge that I will never, ever take even the smallest taste of kale.
Because if I did, I might like it.
And I just hate it.
As I am sure you have gathered, the above isn’t about kale. It’s about hate.
Hope to see you Sunday.